


UNLIVED LIFE

by pepiprince



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-28 20:34:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30145236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepiprince/pseuds/pepiprince
Summary: Lawyer Jinyoung who gave up his craft to pursue what his parents expect him to do, went to Korea for a work assignment and unexpectedly met a kindred spirit. Jaebeom who chased his dream to keep a promise found himself falling for a person who doesn't believe he deserves to be loved.
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Kudos: 32





	UNLIVED LIFE

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for dropping by. This fanfic mentions panic attacks. I don't have medical background on how to properly deal with such mental health issues and based everything on my personal experience. Please bear with me for any grammatical error, english is my second language.

It's 12 midnight, Jinyoung is lazily waiting for his boarding in the Airline's VIP lounge. He checked his watch... again... as if the time would change faster since the last time he checked it a few seconds ago.

He let out a heavy sigh, this is the hardest part for him... waiting. Jinyoung doesn’t mind sitting for long hours as long as he has a good book in hand. But, today is different, even the John Grisham book laying on the coffee table cannot tame his anxious heart.

It's just a business trip, no more, no less. Jinyoung is flying to Korea for the closing of a client’s business deal. 

This project has been his baby since the beginning of this year. It is close to his heart because he saw this deal come to life, from the hushed voices of possible acquisition, to negotiation, to sleepless nights of due diligence review, and finally the last step, the closing of the deal.

Deep inside, it's not the signing off of the agreement that makes him anxious. He never felt this level of anxiety even on the night before his bar exams. He knows that meeting his childhood friend after years of estrangement is taking 60% of his worries, that's 20% more than the business deal. Okay, people may call him calculating (sometimes quite literally). However, this is how Jinyoung manages his stress, as if putting numbers and percentages will help him solve everything.

Like the inevitable his mind circled back to the root of his disorganized thoughts—he may be messy on his stuff but he always prided himself as a person who got his plans laid out and thoughts sorted out. So, that person haunting his sober mind really is a big deal, he always had, and always will be the biggest deal in Jinyoung’s life.

How is he? Is he doing fine in a foreign land? He's been living in Korea for almost a decade now.

Jinyoung met Mark through their families. He spent most of his childhood in Los Angeles, since the Asian community is close knit, it's not impossible to befriend other Asian kids. However, the Parks and the Tuans go a few years back, their Moms are classmates in Med School.

Mark is a year older than him, but they easily fell into that easy camaraderie. In between music lessons and dance lessons, they will sneak out for some ice cream or a quick nap under the tree in the park. He grew up with Mark as his brother, as the other pea in the same pod.

Jinyoung will always admire Mark's guts, that he flew and lived in a foreign land to pursue his passion for performing. He grew up seeing his Mark hyung tumbling around and rambling random rap verses or humming some melodies.

Both of them learned how to play the piano but after a few years Jinyoung shifted to the guitar. From there, he realized the solace music can bring. It started as a hobby until one playful night, Mark urged him to submit his demos to a recording company.

He doesn’t know if it’s beginner’s luck or the universe decided to mess up with him back then. The studio called him back and asked him to maybe if he’ll consider it, sign a deal. A rumbustious boy with a grin on his stupid face break the news out to his parents.

Maybe, it was Mark’s unapologetic passion that rubbed into him. Maybe, he forgot or he chose to forget that his parents live by the belief that music and arts are not proper professions.

Playing the instruments or dabbling with music are just extracurricular activities to make his college application great. A snicker from his father and worried look from his mother asking him if he’s serious.

Don’t get him wrong, Jinyoung loves his parents and he knows deep inside that they without a doubt love him too. The kind of love that will not let him stray away from the path they’ve paved.

That night was ugly, a one-sided shouting match ensued. They said Jinyoung must be out of his mind, that it was just a phase, that he was outright delusional. What broke Jinyoung and made him give up his “dreams” was when his Mother started bawling, blaming herself, that she failed as a mother.

He remembered sneaking out that night, climbing into Mark’s window and eventually his hyung’s bed. Comfort and Mark became synonyms in Jinyoung’s vocabulary. It started when his father gave Jinyoung cold shoulders after getting less than an A, and continues every time the world is too heavy for the teenage boy. Mark from then on left his windows unlocked, waiting like a refuge for the younger’s bothered heart.

But unlike any other night when Mark will just be quiet and embrace the sorrow out of Jinyoung. The older’s left arm snaked around Jinyoung’s waist and his other hand cupped the younger’s cheeks. Mark was waiting… waiting for a go signal to light up the fire they’ve been trying to ignore.

Truth be told, Jinyoung knew it. The ice creams in the park are not the sweetest thing they’ve shared. He didn’t miss those soft touches, the confused glances, the stares that stayed for too long… for the part of it his heart is also burning, always in flames when he makes Mark laugh…

Everything be damned, Mark is the only real thing in his young world. He wants to set the world ablaze, heck he wants to touch Mark’s burning lips.

On the verge of jumping into the pit of passion, Jinyoung choked… What if this is just a phase, like what his parents continuously remind him, this is the farthest thing from the straight path they want.

Like a moth burned from a lamp, Jinyoung pushed Mark away. He saw the hurt slowly swallowing the features of the man he loved…he loves. But just like music, this is not the dream and the love he deserves. This love is not Jinyoung’s, Mark is not and will never be his.

They never spoke of that night again, kept it hidden in the deepest corner of their memories. Unlike him, Mark defies his parents' wishes for him to get his medical degree. Jinyoung can't say no to taking finance as a pre law degree back then.

He thought even as a friend he can have Mark by his side. But the older man flew half the world away for his passion.

The public announcement calling Jinyoung’s flight number for boarding brought him back to the present. In a few hours he'll see Mark again. He is excited but what makes him anxious is he doesn’t know if he is still burning for his hyung or if he still has the right to.

____________________________________________________________

“Thank you, Atty. Park, it was great having you here in Korea, rest assured that I will mention to the Senior Partner your exemplary negotiation skills.” The man was dressed in an impeccable three piece suit, the naturally combed hair that makes a side part. 

Jinyoung noticed the admiring look of the young COO, a chief operating officer by name, but a child of the owner by virtue. He gave the COO his best capitalist smile. He never addressed the man by his first name, he has to put his feet down.

It’s not unusual for Jinyoung to set the tone and refuse the unspoken proposals of taking the “business” outside the hotel conference room and bring it somewhere private.

Jinyoung never entered a relationship or entertained anyone. He knew it was never a phase. That he is attracted to the people his parents will never approve.

Today concludes his official business. His firm decided to reward him with an extended vacation for making it rain for the capital partners. Them thinking that being a Korean-American is an advantage, and since after retirement his parents moved back to the peninsula.

The firm did not know or did not need to know that all his life he grew up in the valley; and that his parents stopped talking to him when he came out to them after he messed up the 7th arranged blind date with a woman of his parents' choice.

Jinyoung and Mark never stopped exchanging messages, maybe not as often as before. A random “how are you doing” and before there were frequent “I miss you”. The “I miss you’s” stop coming after a few years. Jinyoung believed that the dance practices and late night vocal training took most of Mark’s time.

Mark became part of a global sextet. Three of the members are from other countries and the other half are Koreans. The foreign members are called AmeriThaiKong, Mark the American, Bambam the playful kid from Thailand, and Jackson the Hongkong national who shares the room with Mark.

Jinyoung kept an eye on the group. He is even familiar with the Korean members. Yugyeom, the group’s giant maknae and the boy who has the sweetest smile named Youngjae. 

He knew the other boys by reading updates and whenever he had time peeking into some of their variety shows. Aside from Mark, the leader of the group interests him the most. As if the piercing eyes bejeweled by the twin moles are familiar to him. As if he knew Jaebeom from another life.

Jinyoung had been playing with his phone for almost an hour. Like clockwork rubbing his thumb over the bart simpson keychain hanging on his phone through a makeshift ring. He got this from a friend the last time he visited Korea.

After a few more minutes of deliberation, Jinyoung dialed Mark’s number. A nervous hello is answered by a bright hi. He can hear the happiness in Mark’s voice, as if he was laughing so hard before answering the phone. And maybe he really was, evidenced by the loud laughters in the background and the whiny “Mark hyung” standing out from the sea of voices.

He told Mark that he is in Korea and he can stay for a few weeks. Mark was excited to see him and proposed that they should eat dinner together… with his team. There’s no trace of nervousness in Mark’s voice, just pure excitement of seeing his childhood friend after a while.

____________________________________________________________

Jinyoung came in a little late to the dinner. He went out for a walk, trying to find the playground he used to visit a lot the last time his family went to Korea together.

Even before locking eyes with Mark, he can already locate the group. Their side of the restaurant radiates a glow, a perfect bubble. It seems like the group is oblivious of the world outside each other's company. 

In Jinyoung’s eyes, for a person who never had a consistent circle of friends, it was intimidating but at the same time a moment worthy of envy.

Maybe it is intimidating because it looks perfect. It’s like he’s watching them from the other side of the glass. 

Mark noticed how Jinyoung is standing awkwardly near the door. Mark waved and stood up to run to his best friend. Mark escorted Jinyoung back to the table.

Jinyoung was introduced to the group, he knew them. Now they know him. He sat down on the vacant seat across Mark beside a man with broad shoulders. Unlike what he thought, the group made Jinyoung comfortable.

The dinner is full of the younger members making fun of each other and the occasional banter between Bambam and Jaebeom. Mark will always be Mark, he watched the group in silence, laughing at the guys’ jokes.

Mark’s eyes still have the same twinkle that was once reserved just for Jinyoung. However, this time those eyes sparkle for another person. Jackson makes Mark happy and not just because of his jokes. He noticed how Mark fondly calls Jackson “gaga”, how Jackson held Mark’s hand when he thought that no one’s watching.

He realized that the I miss you’s stopped because Mark found someone he will never have to miss. Jinyoung knew that Mark deserved someone who would not shy away on the first sign of affection.

Mark is fire and Jackson is the fuel that keeps it ablaze. Together they are like the sun. They try to hide their rays but even the darkest clouds can’t keep them from shining.

Jinyoung is never fond of summer, he prefers autumn. Being this close to the sun hurts his eyes. Jinyoung tried to refocus on the exchanges between the members.

As if on cue, Jinyoung took his film camera from his pocket. He looked at the man beside him and Jaebeom smiled at him. He doesn’t know what happened but it was a silent communication. 

Through his pleading look Jinyoung asks if he can take a picture of him, and Jaebeom nods and agrees to it. Jinyoung doesn’t know the reason but he was gravitated to the man beside him.

Jaebeom and Jinyoung fell into their own bubble, they talked about their shared interests. The books they’ve read, their love for the old school film photography, and even the music they listen to. Jinyoung didn’t know what magic Jaebeom casted on him but he uncharacteristically shared that he used to write songs, an information he kept locked and thought he already forgot.

Their conversation was interrupted when Yugyeom joked that his hyung found another boring soul. As a person who never had companions beyond what’s beneficial, it felt like second nature for him to jokingly retaliate against the youngest. He joked that children should just stick to their choco shake instead of joining the adult table. This earned a hearty laugh from Youngjae as he explained that Yugyeom in fact has an addiction to choco shake.

Truth be told, Jinyoung thought that seeing Mark with someone else would break him into pieces. But now what he feels is emptiness. That maybe he had been living in an illusion.

He should be crying, storming out of the restaurant, shouting at the man he thought he loved because Mark stopped sending the I miss you’s. Jinyoung doesn’t know if not being hurt in the way he expected to be is better. 

Maybe he is not capable of loving someone romantically, maybe that night at Mark’s childhood bedroom was Jinyoung’s last chance to feel love. That the moment he pushed Mark away, the goddess of love turned his back away from Jinyoung.

His mind is celebrating because love is irrational, love is complicated, love cannot empirically be proved. However, a cloud of emptiness is hanging around Jinyoung. And he came to realize that maybe the reason he is not capable of loving is because he is not worthy of being loved.

The rest of the night is a blur of moments to Jinyoung. A train of hyungs from the three younger members. A promise of another dinner from Mark and Jakson, to formally introduce the boyfriend to the bestfriend. And an unanswered invitation from Jaebeom to the elder’s studio.

____________________________________________________________

It’s early in the morning when Jinyoung receives a call from the office. As expected the extended vacation is too good to be true. The main office opened a network firm in Korea a few years back. The asian market is something the firm wants to explore more.

Having an arbitration seat in Korea partnered with the increasing number of Asian companies being involved in extraterritorial deals is the sweet spot for Jinyoung’s firm. They proposed that in exchange for a promotion, Jinyoung should be assigned for an indefinite stay in Korea. An offer which sounds more like a command. 

Jinyoung is not married, Jinyoung does not have anyone he needs to take care of back in America. Jinyoung’s family is in Korea. In his firm’s point of view, he does not have any reason to turn the offer down.

He doesn’t know why he agreed to the offer. But since that dinner there are things he started to do out of character.

It started with an sns filled with apologies for getting his number through Mark. Jaebeom sent him a list of books to read and of places in Korea which are great spots for photography. 

They start exchanging stories about each other and of opinion on things. From the most mundane about how the other prefers baggy clothes while the other favors nicely fit button downs. They had a heated exchange about mintchoco. It amazed Jinyoung how Jaebeom with passion defended mintchoco against a person who is used to arguing for a living.

Jaebeom’s messages became Jinyoung’s small refuge away from hectic work schedule. He always looks forward to the cat pictures and how the elder complains that his cat Nora doesn’t love him anymore. The drama is just because the cat stopped lying on the elders chest like she used to.

Aside from the occasional video calls, they make sure to meet up frequently to eat breakfast. The morning appointments started when Jaebeom realized that Jinyoung survives half of the day with just caffeine in his system. For days when Jaebeom has photoshoot, recording, or when he spends his sacred Saturdays in his studio to write songs, he asks Jinyoung to send a photo of his breakfast. 

Despite them talking and meeting up almost everyday, Jaebeom did not repeat his invitation for Jinyoung to come to his studio again.

One Saturday morning, Jinyoung went back to the neighborhood he used to visit a lot. He found a hole in the wall offering books, coffee, and sweets. He sat at a little corner with a book on his hands. 

Focused on his book, Jinyoung noticed that another customer sat on the table beside his. Curious how he noticed someone when most of the time he doesn’t pay attention to strangers.. 

He didn’t take his eyes off his book, since the shop was small he just saw from his peripheral when the man placed his black backpack on the floor. 

Jinyoung wondered why that person placed his bag on the floor. His brown messenger bag may be messy inside but it is placed nicely on top of his table. The man’s black backpack is not his business anway. 

Clumsily the customer beside him dropped his fork. Jinyoung let out a sigh and tried to reach for the fork. He doesn’t know if the world is playing a prank on him but he knows this man in baggy shorts, a bucket hat, and a black hoodie.

“Jaebeom hyung?” He looked at Jinyoung and it was evident from the elder’s face that he was surprised to see Jinyoung in that place.

“I didn’t know that you are familiar with this neighborhood?” Jaebeom shared that his studio is just a block away from the shop and that he regularly goes there to eat some strawberry cake.

Jinyoung took this as a sign and asks if Jaebeom’s invitation for a studio tour still stands. The elder stood up, delightedly nodded and offered his hand to Jinyoung. 

The younger did not know if he should take Jaebeom’s hand. He looked at it for a while and he didn't realize his ears were getting warm. 

Jaebeom noticed that Jinyoung was staring at his extended hand, so he took it back and he said “Let’s go” to shoo the awkwardness away.

They arrived at Jaebeom’s studio and he noticed how random photos are pasted on the walls. He stared at a photo of a scantily clad woman under a red lighting. Jaebeom joked that he needs a visual representation to adhere to a heteronormative lyrics writing that will please the people from his company.

Jinyoung is amazed how Jaebeom can talk about his sexuality openly to him. As a singer he knows that Jaebeom cannot date the people we want to date with turning the entertainment world upside down.

Jaebeom played a song, the lyrics is about a person who will never give up and will never fall down. Ironic or not the title is Icarus. Jaebeom said that even if Icarus was burned by the sun, he still did not give up and kept on flying. Icarus still chose to spread his wings.

Jinyoung asked how Jaebeom writes lyrics. The latter explained that sometimes the music shows him the scenario and there are times that he has to look at some pictures to spark some inspiration. The elder said that he tries his best to use words to paint a picture. But there are times that he has to make the lead of his songs more feminine.

Jaebeom explained that curves need not be limited to describe a woman. That sometimes it fits perfectly on a person who is used to khaki pants and white button downs. 

Jinyoung caught Jaebeom’s eyes. His mind is telling him to look away. Jinyoung can hear his heart, as if it's pumping next to his ears. Jinyoung was enchanted by the moles above Jaebeom’s eyes, his sight strayed down the high bridge of the elder’s nose. Jinyoung made an audible gasp when he caught himself looking at Jaebeom’s lips.

Jinyoung’s hands felt like it had a life of its own, as his right hand reached for Jaebeom’s cheeks. The elder placed his left hand over Jinyoung’s. Their dominant hands holding each other feels like the most appropriate metaphor for them. They are different but they complete each other. Jaebeom closed his eyes and squeezed Jinyoung’s hand, he inhaled as if he’s taking the moment in. Jaebeom let go of Jinyoung’s hands. The younger dejectedly thought that Jaebeom doesn’t want this like he does.

Jaebeom took the first step, then slowly he wrapped his hands around Jinyoung’s waist. He gently lowered his head and kissed the younger, so sweet, so tender. Jaebeom nibbled on the younger’s lower lips, as if asking for permission to deepen the kiss. Jinyoung opened his mouth and welcomed Jaebeom’s advances. In one swift motion Jaebeom’s tongue entered Jinyoung’s mouth, both of them let out a moan when their tongues touched.

From sweet kisses it turned into a heated exchange. Jaebeom’s hold on Jinyoung’s waist tightened when the younger snaked his arms around the older’s neck. Jaebeom positioned Jinyoung on the table as his other hand grabbed the younger’s thigh. 

Their crotches started to rub against each other and a pool of heat is making both of them hard. Their kiss awoke a lot of sense. Jinyoung thought that this moment with Jaebeom felt right...

This felt right, everything is uncomplicated… this train of thought zapped Jinyoung back to reality. Jaebeom let go of Jinyoung as he noticed the younger trembling and when he looked at the younger’s face dread is evident on Jinyoung’s feature.

“This is wrong” Jinyoung says…

“This is too easy, this is uncomplicated, this is something I don’t deserve”

“I never had anything easy, easy is unchartered territory, how will I know if it’s real? if I feel like it’s not for me”

“Save yourself hyung, ran away from me”

Jinyoung continued blurting out his thoughts. He can feel panic crawling from his arms into his chest. It felt like a dark shadow was holding his heart so tight that he cannot breathe. Jinyoung started shaking, he wanted to run and save Jaebeom away from him. Jaebeom is beautiful and peaceful, he doesn’t deserve someone empty and dark. 

Jinyoung started trembling more, he was scrambling for his phone, he needed his keychain to calm his nerves down. This is the only way Jinyoung knows how to handle his panic attack. 

The first time he experienced this feeling was actually in Korea. He always goes to the unlit part of the park to watch the stars. This was the first time Jinyoung spent a whole summer away from home, away from Mark. 

By pure coincidence another kid was always there whenever Jinyoung was stargazing. They fell into a silent truce to share the dark portion of the park as their territory. Jinyoung never actually saw the boy’s face but they eventually talked about how they both wanted to become singers.

The young boy shared that he will attend an audition and offered if Jinyoung will go with him. The boy further said that he got two entry numbers (24 and 25) and the process is that they can register their names when they arrive at the audition. 

Jinyoung wanted to attend the audition since it’s with one of the biggest entertainment companies in Korea but his father shouted at him and told him to get his shit together. That he is not good enough to make a living out of singing and dancing. Jinyoung missed the audition.

That same night, Jinyoung went to their territory. He expected the boy to get mad at him because he broke their promise. But when he saw the familiar silhouette he started crying and trembling, he felt like because at the company of the faceless friend he is allowed to be weak. That faceless friend promised to pursue their dream for the both of them. He will become a singer for both of them.

All the harsh words of his father fueled his self doubt, it convinced him that he is not good enough. And at present Jinyoung still believes that despite how people see him as a strong and level headed person, he is still not good enough.

Even for Jaebeom, more so for Jaebeom he is lacking and the elder deserves better. 

Jinyoung dug deep in his messenger bag, fumbling for his keychain. The first time he had a panic attack, his friend placed the keychain on his palm. He doesn’t know if the boy was just afraid to hug him or the boy knows he’ll probably spiral down more if he’ll get touched.

With his hands inside the bag, Jinyoung found the keychain, as he held onto the bart simpson keychain, and like always he can hear the words of the boy.

“Hold this to ground yourself, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel, we’re about to see the light. Please stay right there. I'll go over right now. I’ll go to you, just breathe”

Jaebeom assists Jinyoung to even out his breathing. The moment he came back from his panic attack, he realized that Jaebeom uttered the exact words that saved him multiple times.

“Where did you hear those words?” says Jinyoung. 

“I just remember saying those words to a friend I made a promise to, and I said those words not only to him but to both of us. That even if we’re used to darkness, eventually we’ll see the light.”

Jinyoung took his hands out of his bag and showed the keychain to Jaebeom, recollection was evident in the handsome feature of the older man. 

Jinyoung tried to hide his disbelief that he found the boy even without searching. The boy who saved him and the man he wants to be saved are the same person. Jinyoung abruptly went back to his feet and told Jaebeom that he had to go home. Jinyoung rushed to the door and when he was about to go out…

“Jinyoung, I don’t need saving. I felt like I’ve known you my entire life, I like you Jinyoung. I will not force you to like me, all I want is for you to know that you deserve love. And if you believe you don’t deserve me, it’s impossible because you make me happy. I am happy with you.”

He didn’t turn back, maybe, Jaebeom will eventually like somebody else. Like how Mark found Jackson, Jaebeom will move on and be happy with the person he truly deserves.

The next morning, Jinyoung was expecting not to receive any message from Jaebeom. Contrary to his belief he received a barrage of messages from the older.

“You have the prettiest smile”

“You were able to handle the kids the first time you met them and managed not to strangle Yugyeom”

“You love books, a person who reads as much as you do possess the keys in understanding the world”

“You take great pictures, the first photo of me you took is my favorite portrait”

“You admitted defeat in the mintchoco debate”

“You look good in clothes I will never wear”

“You pay attention whenever I talk about my cats”

“You look good (period)”

“The face, the eyebrows, the eyes, the waist, the peach”

“You kept your promise to eat breakfast even if you don’t have to”

“You laugh genuinely when I make lame jokes”

“You make me laugh even with your lame jokes”

“You make me happy Jinyoungie”

“ I never thought of the reasons why I like you because even I cannot find a perfect answer to why I like you.” 

This “let-Jinyoung-know-how-beautiful-Jinyoung-is” project by Jaebeom has been consistent every morning. 

Jaebeom’s patience is starting to bear fruit, the older’s words became Jinyoung’s affirmation. It’s not a one time fix for everything, Jaebeom’s love helped Jinyoung to address his issues. 

He started professional treatment to slowly find peace. Jinyoung has been in the dark for the longest time to the point that he forgot how beautiful the stars are if he just looks up. Jinyoung realized that if Jaebeom chose to love him, maybe he can also choose to love himself. 

Jinyoung is still a work in progress, he decided to try not only for Jaebeom but also for his own sake.

Their story is not a happy ending, they chose to face reality together. They may face problems in the future but their souls found their mate to travel together.  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Every person deals with circumstances differently. This is my personal wish that maybe a glimmer of hope that we are worthy of love can in any way help us to choose to fight everyday.


End file.
